Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

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SandChigger
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 03 Jul 2009 21:15

(Note: some of this may have to be revised later, in the event someone caught the gaffes at the last minute. ;) )

I don't know what Kevin's been eating lately, but this new thing is a veritable gold mine of shit. :lol:

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 03 Jul 2009 22:23

OK, here's one that is an example of pure lazy-assed ignorance of the original novels or an intentional in-your-face-and-you-can't-do-shit attempt at provocation:

While Duncan and Gurney are looking for Paul and Bronso on Chusuk, they stop in at a shop selling balisets made of the new clonewood:

Gurney hefted one of the instruments and ran his fingers across the strings. The man had a point. He set the wheel in motion so that the gyroscopic tone cylinder made the wood vibrate. When he began to use the multipick, music seemed to flow out of his fingers. He had played nine-string models before, but it wasn't his usual instrument.

It wasn't? From Dune:

Paul watched the rolling, ugly man set himself back in motion, veer toward the training table with the load of weapons, saw the nine-string baliset slung over Gurney's shoulder with the multipick woven through the strings near the head of the fingerboard.

Gurney Halleck strode along at the point of the crowd, bag over one shoulder, the neck of his nine-string baliset clutched in the other hand. They were long-fingered hands with big thumbs, full of tiny movements that drew such delicate music from the baliset.

One of his lieutenants stepped forward carrying Halleck's nine-string baliset out of its case. The man snapped a salute, said: "Sir, the medics here say there's no hope for Mattai. They have no bone and organ banks here—only outpost medicine. Mattai can't last, they say, and he has a request of you."

BALISET: a nine-stringed musical instrument, lineal descendant of the zither, tuned to the Chusuk scale and played by strumming. Favorite instrument of Imperial troubadours.

The damned things are nine-stringed BY FUCKING DEFINITION.

This is just damnable LAZINESS and INATTENTION TO DETAIL. There is no justification for shit like this. :twisted:

Addendum: Oh, right, forgot this bullshit:

Some fucker in House Harkonnen wrote:Gurney shrugged. "Get your rest then." In his small room, he opened the rickety wardrobe and took out his most prized possession: an old baliset, designed as a nine-stringed instrument, though Gurney had learned to play with only seven, since two strings were broken and he had no replacements.

But it's still bad writing: his baliset was a nine-string instrument, even if he only played it with seven strings on it.

And going back, the House Harkonnen passage is shit writing as well, because in the very next paragraph after the above, we're told:

He had found the discarded instrument, damaged and useless, but after working on it patiently for six months...sanding, lacquering, shaping parts...the baliset made the sweetest music he'd ever heard, albeit without a full tonal range. Gurney spent hours in the night strumming the strings, spinning the counterbalance wheel.

He did ALL THAT WORK repairing the thing but couldn't get two replacement strings? The other seven strings on the DISCARDED and DAMAGED instrument were still USABLE?

Right, that makes sense. :twisted:

And let's just forget this bit, from later in HH:

Leto finished his large bowl of stew and dabbed his mouth with an embroidered linen napkin. He leaned back in the hand-carved ducal chair with a contented sigh. Victor did the same on the high cushions of his own seat; he had finished barely a third of the stew in his small bowl. Having already decided what song to play after dinner, Gurney Halleck looked over at his nine-string baliset leaning against the wall.

Sheesh. Talk about a clusterfuck. :laughing:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Schu » 03 Jul 2009 23:40

Wow... that's, like, art or something. I mean seriously, it must be. It's like a performance art: how many completely contradictory statements can I make in ny novels before people won't buy my books anymore?

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby TheDukester » 04 Jul 2009 00:00

large bowl ... embroidered linen napkin ... hand-carved chair ... contented sigh ... high cushions ... small bowl.

Does TheKJA ever let a single noun go by without a modifier of some sort? No wonder he loves talking about his word counts: they're all artificially jacked-up.

Worst writer working in English today. There's absolutely no debate possible.
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 04 Jul 2009 00:29

There's especially no debate possible when the debater (AKA the bait :P ) won't come back! :lol:

Waiting ... waiting ... :roll:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Redstar » 04 Jul 2009 01:26

TheDukester wrote:large bowl ... embroidered linen napkin ... hand-carved chair ... contented sigh ... high cushions ... small bowl.

Does TheKJA ever let a single noun go by without a modifier of some sort? No wonder he loves talking about his word counts: they're all artificially jacked-up.

Worst writer working in English today. There's absolutely no debate possible.

Oh, wow. Writing like that hurts my head and I'm immediately pulled from the story. I noticed the same thing.

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby TheDukester » 04 Jul 2009 10:35

SandChigger wrote:Waiting ... waiting ... :roll:

Just another loud-mouthed preek and KJA apologist, it looks like. He's got no game.

It's not a coincidence that Thing's list of specific questions scared him off. KJA and his fans aren't real good with specifics.
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Rakis » 04 Jul 2009 13:09

A Thing of Eternity wrote:Keep it flowing.

I love that for a preview of the new Dune novel people have to come here! DN must be a wasteland.


:lol:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 04 Jul 2009 19:35

Actually, they seem to be fairly active this weekend. Relatively speaking. For a corpse. :P

Some more examples of the simply brilliant writing you can look forward to in WoD:

For security reasons, Alia & Duncan appear in their own wedding ceremony as "solido holoprojections" (Ixian shit: "Tech B Us!")....

When it was over and the two of them stepped out of the projection booth and found themselves back in the suite, Duncan produced actual wedding rings from a pocked of his jacket. Blushing almost shyly, they slid the bands on each other's fingers. Duncan was such a traditionalist.

Smiling at him, feeling the warmth of genuine though unfamiliar emotions, Alia said, "It all happened so fast. I turned my head and we were married."

"You turned my head some time ago," he said and folded her into his embrace.

I honestly vomited a little in my mouth when I read that. Brrrrrr. (shudder)

A few pages earlier in the book, Alia musing on Paul:

His presence was like a supergiant star whose gravitational pull affected everything that came within his sphere of influence. Paul shone so brightly that he blinded all other individual stars and constellations. The Emperor Muad'Dib, the Fremen messiah Lisan al-Gaib. He had overthrown an Emperor, conquered a galaxy, and used a Jihad to sweep aside the clutter of ten thousand years of history.

He blinded other stars and constellations? WTF does that mean? God that stinks! :puke:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Omphalos » 04 Jul 2009 23:45

Lordy, that is awful, isn't it?

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Redstar » 04 Jul 2009 23:59

SandChigger wrote:
When it was over and the two of them stepped out of the projection booth and found themselves back in the suite, Duncan produced actual wedding rings from a pocked of his jacket. Blushing almost shyly, they slid the bands on each other's fingers. Duncan was such a traditionalist.

I find it hard to believe that a pre-born could find anything "traditionalist". And you'd think she'd know her lover/now-husband well enough that losing his entire family, especially his sister, and being a slave would make him long for something solid. Even knowing how constantly changing the entire universe is, I'd sort of expect people to cling to anything they can. Kind of theme of the series. :roll:

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 05 Jul 2009 00:06

It'll be interesting to see how much, if any, of this shit gets cleaned out in the actual first hardcover edition.

(By way of reference, to the best of my knowledge the Sandworms ARC was identical to the first edition, other than minor things like page breaks and numbers, etc.)
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Rakis » 06 Jul 2009 00:01

Quote:
His presence was like a supergiant star whose gravitational pull affected everything that came within his sphere of influence. Paul shone so brightly that he blinded all other individual stars and constellations. The Emperor Muad'Dib, the Fremen messiah Lisan al-Gaib. He had overthrown an Emperor, conquered a galaxy, and used a Jihad to sweep aside the clutter of ten thousand years of history.


:snooty:

Damn...I think he is talking about his dick, not Paul...
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 06 Jul 2009 01:16

Speaking of sex ... there is none that I can see (yet) in this book, reinforcing the sanitized-for-YAs impression.

But if Gurney doesn't fuck Jessica sometime soon, I'm going to have to. :P
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Freakzilla » 06 Jul 2009 09:07

Clutter... that's probably how KJA sees FH's works.
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 08 Jul 2009 03:27

Going back to the baliset stuff: that "counterbalance wheel" shit, that's in the House books but it's originally from the Lynch movie, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDwFgSAOBLA

Is there any mention at all of the wheel in the originals? I can't find anything....
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Schu » 08 Jul 2009 05:23

I'm pretty sure it's full of shit. I remember a bass slide and sympathetic strings.

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Nekhrun » 08 Jul 2009 10:26

SandChigger wrote:Going back to the baliset stuff: that "counterbalance wheel" shit, that's in the House books but it's originally from the Lynch movie, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDwFgSAOBLA

Is there any mention at all of the wheel in the originals? I can't find anything....

kja's complete understanding of Dune comes from the Lynch movie. It reminds me of a story I heard about Joel Schumacher. While contemplating a Batman film, he was walking through a comic book store and found various interpretations of Batman and he found that liberating. (If there are all these versions of Batman around then I can do whatever I want!)

I'm sure that kja thinks that since FH was involved with the Lynch film that makes it cannon and he can draw whatever he wants from it and still stay true to FH's vision.
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Hunchback Jack » 13 Jul 2009 17:04

SandChigger wrote:
His presence was like a supergiant star whose gravitational pull affected everything that came within his sphere of influence. Paul shone so brightly that he blinded all other individual stars and constellations. The Emperor Muad'Dib, the Fremen messiah Lisan al-Gaib. He had overthrown an Emperor, conquered a galaxy, and used a Jihad to sweep aside the clutter of ten thousand years of history.

He blinded other stars and constellations? WTF does that mean? God that stinks! :puke:


He clearly meant that Paul "outshone" all other stars and constellations, but again, why be concerned with what a word actually means, right?

HBJ

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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby Freakzilla » 14 Jul 2009 08:52

Hunchback Jack wrote:
SandChigger wrote:
His presence was like a supergiant star whose gravitational pull affected everything that came within his sphere of influence. Paul shone so brightly that he blinded all other individual stars and constellations. The Emperor Muad'Dib, the Fremen messiah Lisan al-Gaib. He had overthrown an Emperor, conquered a galaxy, and used a Jihad to sweep aside the clutter of ten thousand years of history.

He blinded other stars and constellations? WTF does that mean? God that stinks! :puke:


He clearly meant that Paul "outshone" all other stars and constellations, but again, why be concerned with what a word actually means, right?

HBJ


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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby GamePlayer » 14 Jul 2009 09:52

Freakzilla wrote:Someone show TheKeith this: http://www.thesaurus.com and tell him it's not about a dinosaur.


LOL! Now that is gold :lol:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby TheDukester » 31 Jul 2009 21:50

Reminder, RedBugDickhead: this is where you pussied out last time.

Specific questions have been raised; we all breathlessly await you repeating whatever KJA's answers are.
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby redbugpest » 05 Aug 2009 09:02

Shameless Bump!
:hand:
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby SandChigger » 05 Aug 2009 09:27

Hey, Freak, what more evidence than this "in your face" bullshit, posted in the three "ATTN: PEST" threads do you need to prove that this dumbfuck is just here to troll?
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Re: Further Weak Writing Examples - ATTN: REDBUGPEST

Postby redbugpest » 05 Aug 2009 09:39

SandChigger wrote:Hey, Freak, what more evidence than this "in your face" bullshit, posted in the three "ATTN: PEST" threads do you need to prove that this dumbfuck is just here to troll?


Just keeping them where I can easilly find them, as I am trying to fit more time in for discussion...
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