Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

    Abandon all sanity ye who enter here

Moderators: Omphalos, Freakzilla, ᴶᵛᵀᴬ

User avatar
SandChigger
KJASF Ground Zero
Posts: 14492
Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
Location: A continuing state of irritation
Contact:

Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SandChigger » 06 Nov 2010 13:40

If I remember correctly this bit from Hunters of Dune was a big hit with a lot of people.

In the intervening years, Hellica had continued to enjoy young Vladimir Harkonnen. They were birds of a feather. Uxtal found it chilling to hear the seven-year-old boy and the Matre Superior laugh together as they discussed people who didn't deserve to live anymore, choosing victims for the torture laboratories.

The treacherous little boy reported constantly to the pretender queen, informing her of purported mistakes or indiscretions committed by laboratory assistants. Uxtal had lost many of his best helpers that way, and the scheming child fully comprehended the power he held. Uxtal could barely master his own terror in the ghola's presence. Though only a child, Vladimir was nearly the same size as the diminutive Tleilaxu.

Unexpectedly, though, Uxtal had managed to endear himself to the ghola in a way that had the benefit of driving a wedge between the boy and Hellica. As a Tleilaxu, he had many personal habits that outsiders considered revolting, such as his proclivity to emit coarse bodily noises. Seeing the Baron's delight in such grossness, Uxtal began to embellish his own habits around the child, which gave the two of them a peculiar bond.

Miffed at Vladimir's fickle attentions and showing no more maturity than the child ghola, Hellica had stopped associating with the boy. She reacted with haughty indifference when the Guildship came to take Uxtal and the ghola away to Dan. But the anxious researcher knew she would be there waiting when he returned....

AFTER A foldspace journey, the Tleilaxu and his charge rode a shuttle down to the watery planet. En route they played a private game, competing with one another to see who could be the most disgusting, to see if they could get a reaction out of the bland and stony Face Dancers accompanying them. Vladimir, with an amazing repertoire of scatological talents, made more revolting sounds and noxious odors than anyone Uxtal had ever encountered. After each display, the cherubic boy grinned fiercely.

Uxtal conceded defeat, knowing it was safer to lose to a Harkonnen than to win, even without Matre Superior Hellica leering over their shoulders.

Please consider the above in the proper context:

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING DUNE BOOK, THE FIRST HALF OF "DUNE 7", THE CULMINATION TO FRANK HERBERT'S DUNE SERIES.

AND THEY'RE FARTING.
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"

Unfront
Posts: 100
Joined: 18 Dec 2008 21:29
Location: Portland

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Unfront » 06 Nov 2010 14:06

My sentiments exactly. Fart jokes in the Dune universe. After reading all six FH novels in succession, I just could not believe my eyes; however, after considering what I had read in Legends and House, it did not suprise me.

There were two instances where Frank came close to anything scatological. 1. A sentence in Children of Dune where (paraphrasing) "Alia took her morning toilette". That does not necessarily mean that she took a dump. It just means that she spent time in the bathroom. She could have been brushing her teath, puting on makeup, washing her face, combing her hair... Yes, most likely she pinched one off, but Frank was not explicit in that. He left that up to the imagination! 2. When Miles Teg was hooked up to the T probe and they were doing things to his mind. (paraphrasing again) "They could make him blink, flinch, burp, fart.. " Both instances were not meant to be gags. They were part of the realism of the story.

Sure, we all know that little kids have a fixation with bodily functions, but to have it written into the story just for comic releaf is beyond the pale.

Here in Hunters, we have FART games! For some reason, I think this scene was a Bobo concoction. I am not sure why. All I know is that this little gem reveals Keith and Bobo's childish behavior. These guys are in their 50's(?) and this is what they can come up with! Thanks for self identifying guys. F (for FART)
Anything Dune not written by Frank Herbert is simply Fan Fiction.

User avatar
TheDukester
Posts: 3808
Joined: 20 Jun 2008 13:44
Location: Operation Enduring Bacon
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby TheDukester » 06 Nov 2010 14:08

Unfront wrote:For some reason, I think this scene was a Bobo concoction.

So do I.
"Anything I write will be remembered and listed in bibliographies on Dune for several hundred years ..." — some delusional halfwit troll.

User avatar
Aquila ka-Hecate
Posts: 237
Joined: 21 Feb 2010 06:52
Location: Johannesburg
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Aquila ka-Hecate » 06 Nov 2010 14:28

Hunters is the only preeq book I've read, and it was so forgettable that I don't even remember that bit.

Sigh. What a couple of nine year olds these men of my own age are.

Just an aside with respect to the "Alia took her morning toilette" - I have never read it as even necessitating being in a bathroom. It may be my age or my background, but to me "making the toilette" has always meant cleansing the face, brushing the hair, maybe putting on makeup, that sort of thing.

User avatar
SadisticCynic
Posts: 2053
Joined: 07 Apr 2009 09:28
Location: In Time or in Space?

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SadisticCynic » 06 Nov 2010 14:34

Aquila ka-Hecate wrote:Hunters is the only preeq book I've read, and it was so forgettable that I don't even remember that bit.

Sigh. What a couple of nine year olds these men of my own age are.

Just an aside with respect to the "Alia took her morning toilette" - I have never read it as even necessitating being in a bathroom. It may be my age or my background, but to me "making the toilette" has always meant cleansing the face, brushing the hair, maybe putting on makeup, that sort of thing.


I remember checking this in a dictionary at the time, that's what it claimed it meant.
Ah English, the language where pretty much any word can have any meaning! - A Thing of Eternity

User avatar
lotek
Posts: 5784
Joined: 28 Jul 2009 08:33

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby lotek » 06 Nov 2010 15:16

Body functions are FUNNY!


well they usually are, but these idiots can't even make it funny, it's just ridiculous!



Now that is funny !
In fact, it kinda looks like one of those brainstorming sessions they rave about.
Spice is the worm's gonads.

User avatar
lotek
Posts: 5784
Joined: 28 Jul 2009 08:33

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby lotek » 06 Nov 2010 15:22

In French, "to do one's toilette" "faire sa toilette" means a good clean up, usually before going to bed but not necessarily.
Spice is the worm's gonads.

User avatar
DuneFishUK
Posts: 1991
Joined: 25 May 2008 14:14
Location: Cool Britannia
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby DuneFishUK » 06 Nov 2010 16:38

lotek wrote:In French, "to do one's toilette" "faire sa toilette" means a good clean up, usually before going to bed but not necessarily.

On trains in ye olden days they had 2 separate compartments - you did you business in the lavatory then washed your hands in the toilet.

I posted in the most recent welcome thread that these things were impossible to take seriously - case in point. WTFart?

Unfront
Posts: 100
Joined: 18 Dec 2008 21:29
Location: Portland

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Unfront » 06 Nov 2010 19:24

Aquila ka-Hecate wrote:[Just an aside with respect to the "Alia took her morning toilette" - I have never read it as even necessitating being in a bathroom. It may be my age or my background, but to me "making the toilette" has always meant cleansing the face, brushing the hair, maybe putting on makeup, that sort of thing.



As I said in my original post, puting on makeup, washing her face, combing her hair... .... Most women I know tend to do that sort of thing in the bathroom, but I digress as I forget - women don't poop!
Anything Dune not written by Frank Herbert is simply Fan Fiction.

User avatar
SandChigger
KJASF Ground Zero
Posts: 14492
Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
Location: A continuing state of irritation
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SandChigger » 06 Nov 2010 20:06

Which final word prompts me to ask, does anybody need or want to see the "Poop Soup du Jour" chapter from House Corrino again? If I remember correctly it's one of chanilover's favorites. ;)
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"

User avatar
Tleszer
Posts: 2161
Joined: 17 Feb 2008 18:02

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Tleszer » 06 Nov 2010 20:43

Must not... make... eye contact...
DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie

User avatar
merkin muffley
Posts: 1584
Joined: 23 Apr 2010 15:18
Location: War Room

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby merkin muffley » 06 Nov 2010 20:48

Horrible.

Not only is this farting contest totally out of place, it's also incredibly NOT funny the way it's told. It's like somebody describing a joke instead of telling it, and getting it completely wrong.

Everything these guys write leaves you, at best, feeling that you probably had to be there to get it, because the storyteller has utterly failed to convey what was interesting, or exciting, or humorous about what was going on.

And, yeah, "Alia took her morning toilette" definitely does not mean she was taking a shit. :lol:
"I must admit, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor...."

User avatar
Shaitan
Posts: 292
Joined: 27 Aug 2010 22:52
Location: Freeport, Maine USA
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Shaitan » 06 Nov 2010 20:52

SandChigger wrote:THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING DUNE BOOK, THE FIRST HALF OF "DUNE 7", THE CULMINATION TO FRANK HERBERT'S DUNE SERIES.

AND THEY'RE FARTING.


Of course KJA et al would respond with the defense that this is to establish that even young, even in a different life under very different circumstances, long before any sort of bloat from disease or abuse of his own body began, the ol' Baron was still a disgusting homo with an anal fetish.

Oh, the subtlety. Not to mention the originality. You know, our Vladimir Harkonnen clone could at least display a little originality, something other than just the simple striving to avoid the mistakes of his original self while of course failing miserably....
"When the going gets weird, the Weird turn Pro." -Hunter S. Thompson
"Man, a guy gets drunk *once* and it's all anyone remembers..." -HBJ

User avatar
Shaitan
Posts: 292
Joined: 27 Aug 2010 22:52
Location: Freeport, Maine USA
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Shaitan » 06 Nov 2010 20:53

SandChigger wrote:Which final word prompts me to ask, does anybody need or want to see the "Poop Soup du Jour" chapter from House Corrino again? If I remember correctly it's one of chanilover's favorites. ;)


Lay the proverbial shit on me, brother.
"When the going gets weird, the Weird turn Pro." -Hunter S. Thompson
"Man, a guy gets drunk *once* and it's all anyone remembers..." -HBJ

User avatar
Hunchback Jack
Posts: 1983
Joined: 30 May 2008 15:02
Location: California, USA

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Hunchback Jack » 06 Nov 2010 21:19

Shaitan wrote:Of course KJA et al would respond with the defense that this is to establish that even young, even in a different life under very different circumstances, long before any sort of bloat from disease or abuse of his own body began, the ol' Baron was still a disgusting homo with an anal fetish.


Oh, I'm sure it was in the original FH outline for Dune 7. I can just imagine it:

"
BG corrupted by HM; Murbella resists?

Jews on no-ship -> democratic influence on Sheeana cult.

*Must* have farting contest. Child Baron ghola? Hilarious!
"

HBJ
"The sky calls to us. If we do not destroy ourselves, we will one day venture to the stars."
- Carl Sagan

I'm still very proud of The Quarry but … let's face it; in the end the real best way to sign off would have been with a great big rollicking Culture novel.
- Iain Banks

User avatar
SandChigger
KJASF Ground Zero
Posts: 14492
Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
Location: A continuing state of irritation
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SandChigger » 07 Nov 2010 00:09

TheDukester wrote:
Unfront wrote:For some reason, I think this scene was a Bobo concoction.

So do I.

merkin muffley wrote:Not only is this farting contest totally out of place, it's also incredibly NOT funny the way it's told. It's like somebody describing a joke instead of telling it, and getting it completely wrong.

Has anyone ever seen any of BoBo's joke books?

I mean, the ones that were intended to be jokes, or comedic, like the collection of amusing insurance anecdotes he supposedly put together while he was an agent? (Anyone even know the title? None of that stuff is listed on his Wikipedia page. I'll get the bibliography at the back of Dreamer later.)

I don't now why, but I associate the potty humor with BoBo, too. Although the next post I have in the chute doubtless has a lot of Kevin in it, too. (He's the stuff looks like corn.)
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"

User avatar
merkin muffley
Posts: 1584
Joined: 23 Apr 2010 15:18
Location: War Room

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby merkin muffley » 07 Nov 2010 09:48

"Incredible Insurance Claims" and "Classic Comebacks" by Brian Herbert?

Why the fuck is he writing Dune books again?????? :angry-screaming:
"I must admit, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor...."

User avatar
SandChigger
KJASF Ground Zero
Posts: 14492
Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
Location: A continuing state of irritation
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SandChigger » 07 Nov 2010 11:29

Yeah, that's them! :D

Guess what: found them on Amazon.uk! :P
Classic Comebacks £22.99
Paperback
Publisher: PSS Adult (31 Jan 1981)
Language English
ISBN-10: 0843106913
ISBN-13: 978-0843106916
Product Dimensions: 50.8 x 50.8 x 50.8 cm
Average Customer Review: Be the first to review this item

Incredible Insurance Claims £11.95
Paperback: 64 pages
Publisher: Putnam Publishing Group (1 Mar 1982)
ISBN-10: 0843103094
ISBN-13: 978-0843103090
Average Customer Review: Be the first to review this item

Eleven pounds for 64 pages?! And Comebacks is even more?! And what's with the dimensions? A humor cube?! :shock:

Wikipedia entry updated. :twisted:
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"

User avatar
Freakzilla
Lead Singer and Driver of the Winnebego
Posts: 18340
Joined: 05 Feb 2008 01:27
Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby Freakzilla » 07 Nov 2010 11:43

Image
Image
Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

D Pope
Posts: 1504
Joined: 14 May 2010 14:11
Location: Grubville

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby D Pope » 07 Nov 2010 19:42

SandChigger wrote:Yeah, that's them! :D

Guess what: found them on Amazon.uk! :P
Classic Comebacks £22.99
Paperback
Publisher: PSS Adult (31 Jan 1981)
Language English
ISBN-10: 0843106913
ISBN-13: 978-0843106916
Product Dimensions: 50.8 x 50.8 x 50.8 cm
Average Customer Review: Be the first to review this item

Incredible Insurance Claims £11.95
Paperback: 64 pages
Publisher: Putnam Publishing Group (1 Mar 1982)
ISBN-10: 0843103094
ISBN-13: 978-0843103090
Average Customer Review: Be the first to review this item

Eleven pounds for 64 pages?! And Comebacks is even more?! And what's with the dimensions? A humor cube?! :shock:

Wikipedia entry updated. :twisted:



Available from these sellers. http://www.amazon.com/Classic-Comebacks ... 0843106913
8 used from $0.38
Shipping Weight: 20 pounds
I must admit to a little curiosity...
Leto II is gone for good, except for OM. The "pearl" was just that; a miniscule portion of what Leto was, and not a compressed version of the whole. The pearl that the worms have do not make them Leto, or in any way similar to him.
-Omphalos

User avatar
SandChigger
KJASF Ground Zero
Posts: 14492
Joined: 08 Feb 2008 22:29
Location: A continuing state of irritation
Contact:

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby SandChigger » 07 Nov 2010 23:50

D Pope wrote:Shipping Weight: 20 pounds
I must admit to a little curiosity...

WTF?! :shock:

Too weird. :lol:
"Let the dead give water to the dead. As for me, it's NO MORE FUCKING TEARS!"

MrFlibble
Posts: 314
Joined: 06 Jan 2010 11:25

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby MrFlibble » 09 Nov 2010 07:11

Back to the original topic, I must say WOW. This is really a new low to me. There have been more than plenty Dethroning Moments of Suck in their writings, but this one surpasses them all. It's spectacularly dumb, totally unfunny and completely moronic. And it perfectly shows how the original books get a "creative interpretation" by the duo:

Q: In the original books, it is said that the Tleilaxu are repulsive. Would you please elaborate on that?
KJA: Well... they fart all the time.
BH: Yeah. That's what they do.
WHAT IF YOU NO LONGER HEAR THE MUSIC OF LIFE?
MEMORIES ARE NOT ENOUGH UNLESS THEY CALL YOU TO NOBLE PURPOSE!

User avatar
merkin muffley
Posts: 1584
Joined: 23 Apr 2010 15:18
Location: War Room

Re: Body functions are FUNNY! (BAD WRITING SERIES)

Postby merkin muffley » 09 Nov 2010 08:38

:lol: The stinky Tleilaxu.
"I must admit, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor...."