New PoD-Cast on Hairy Ticks!!!

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New PoD-Cast on Hairy Ticks!!!

Postby SandChigger » 01 Sep 2008 04:38

We've just completed and uploaded for your listening...pleasure(?)...a new podcast containing another excerpt from Paul of Dune. (My copy of the UK paperback arrived this morning! :twisted: )

http://radiofreearrakeen.hairyticksofdune.net/
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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Postby inhuien » 01 Sep 2008 04:40

Thanks for your energy (money) in purchasing that PoS.

Disturbed and awed indeed, Mother of J**** :puke:
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Postby Ampoliros » 01 Sep 2008 17:21

shouldn't you refer to it as the "Direct Sequel to the Previous Excerpt!"?


"WHO ARE YOU!?!?!?"

"The mother of all Jihad's. I'm BATMAN"


That would have been more believable. Would explain how they got up there on the balcony.



:roll: But, really how much of a surprise is this?

Thanks for taking one for the team SC, I'm...looking forward to a synopsis of the book. Let the Retcon-bash begin!
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Scan finished!

Postby SandChigger » 02 Sep 2008 02:33

10,197 AG

Four Years After the Fall of Shaddam IV

So many lives within me, so many voices! A lifetime would not suffice to listen to them all!
—Paul-Muad’Dib Atreides, Meditations of an Emperor

Night had come to Arrakeen, replacing the searing bedlam and broiling clamor of the day with something of the cool silent serenity of the deep desert. And yet Paul could not sleep. He lay awake on the luxurious bedding beside his beloved Chani and waited until her soft, measured breathing told him she was asleep, and then he arose and quietly wrapped himself in a light robe of fine Terrinian broccato before stepping out onto the wide balcony adjoining their bedroom. He signaled for the guard at the far end of the balcony to leave and watched as the man disappeared into a secret passage behind a cleverly concealed door.

At last the Emperor of the Known Universe was alone and stood gazing down upon the sleeping form of the city he had made his capital. How different the face it presented now from that which sweated in the dust and heat of the midday sun. Arrakeen of Dune . . . the name itself was enough to make the hearts of devoted converts leap within their breasts across the Imperium. The daytime streets of the city were choked to impassibility with the pilgrims who flocked to Arrakis, millions every year, overflowing from the shuttles which travelled back and forth all day between the Guild Heighliners in orbit and the growing spaceport on the outskirts of the city. From this vantage point he could see the lights of the landing fields, greatly expanded over the last couple of years to handle the increased volume of traffic.

Paul looked up at the almost unflickering stars and thought of the worlds that circled them, planets from which so many pilgrims came to worship him. And he thought about how many of those worlds were even now the scene of bloody battles in his name. He wanted to close his eyes but knew that doing so would only bring dreams . . . that would give way to the frightening visions that haunted his soul. And also bring the voices. . . .

The Jihad progressed, his fanatical holy warriors spreading ever further afield, bringing destruction to many of the star systems in their path. Paul was wracked with guilt over what he had unleashed on the universe, but still could see no way to rein in the bloodthirsty hordes of his followers. Every solution he imagined led only to even bloodier visions of the future. He was near to despair, made worse by the certain knowledge that his own suicide or death would only intensify the horrors still to come.

“What can I do?!” he implored of the night.

“Perhaps you need counsel other than your own.”

The woman’s voice had come from the far end of the balcony, in the shadows that hid the door to the passage the guard had used. Had some spy or assassin managed to invade his sanctum? A Reverend Mother of the hated Bene Gesserit?

He strained but could see no one there. Then, slowly, as if coalescing from the darkness itself, a figure moved slowly towards him.

“Who are you?!” he challenged, but the woman said nothing and continued to approach. Something about the figure reminded him of the stately, green-eyed beauty he called mother—Jessica. But no, she was on Caladan and he had not seen her since he had returned there with her for a visit three years before. Finally the woman came to a place where her face was lit by the lights of the city below and she stopped. Although by no means old, the face he saw was lined with care. Paul thought to himself that she had probably possessed a classical beauty when younger. Her hair was brown but streaked with gray, and her eyes were piercing. She looked familiar, but he didn’t recognize her.

“My name is the least important of the things that I can tell you,” she said. “I can teach you of the art of jihad, which you desperately need to learn!”

“Who are you?!”

“Never mind that. We haven’t much time this time. You fret and worry that your army is but a horde of fanatics yet seem to forget that a force of fighting fanatics is able to overcome any number of enemy soldiers and weapons!”

“I worry because I have seen the future. I disturbed and awed. The masses-”

“And I have lived the past. To guide, to manipulate the masses who flock to your banner is the only way to defend what must be preserved. To oppose them is to become a rock on the beach, broken and worn away by the tide.”

“Who ARE you?!” Paul cried, growing exasperated.

“Have you not figured it out by now? I am Serena Butler, the mother of all jihads.”

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Postby SandChigger » 02 Sep 2008 02:35

That's short even for them.

But to be fair, it is sandwiched between fairly longish "chapters".
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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Postby Secher_Nbiw » 02 Sep 2008 03:07

“Have you not figured it out by now? I am Serena Butler, the mother of all jihads.”

There's no hidden agenda in these books to replace the crap as canon is there? :roll: :evil:
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Postby SandChigger » 02 Sep 2008 05:11

I'm still in shock....
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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Postby Secher_Nbiw » 02 Sep 2008 06:24

I'll be honest though, i had thought they'd have put the Normacle ther and not Serena, but i guess she'll come into it eventually.
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Postby Lisan Al-Gaib » 02 Sep 2008 07:53

My review:

light robe of fine Terrinian broccato


Why for god sake KJA have to describe how is the robe that Paul is using? Only to show that he is some type of twisted "man"?
Oh fuck...light robe in your ass....



...And he thought about how many of those worlds were even now the scene of bloody battles in his name.
(...)
The Jihad progressed, his fanatical holy warriors spreading ever further afield, bringing destruction to many of the star systems in their path...


Between less than two phrases KJA is repeating some saying about the Jihad. bad writing. He hadn't anything more to say? He only writes to fill pages.

“Who ARE you?!” Paul cried, growing exasperated.

“Have you not figured it out by now? I am Serena Butler, the mother of all jihads.”


Explain to me: Paul have the other memories even during the DUNE book. So why that Serena didn't shows up to him many years before?
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Postby Secher_Nbiw » 02 Sep 2008 08:25

Lisan Al-Gaib wrote:
“Who ARE you?!” Paul cried, growing exasperated.

“Have you not figured it out by now? I am Serena Butler, the mother of all jihads.”


Explain to me: Paul have the other memories even during the DUNE book. So why that Serena didn't shows up to him many years before?


Even better, can we actually get an explanation as to how she is able to manifest in other memory at all given she had no progeny? I don't seem to recall that ever being properly explained in Bunters or Shitworms...
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Postby sparafucile » 02 Sep 2008 09:01

I wager Serena's appearance to Paul in PoD isn't as a result of OM but rather being just a vision or a ghost or something. Which, from what I recall, is still pretty farfetched for the Dune universe.

But yeah, that doesn't make it any less bullshit in Hunters or Sandworms :lol: and that Alia garbage.

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Postby Lisan Al-Gaib » 02 Sep 2008 09:16

sparafucile wrote:I wager Serena's appearance to Paul in PoD isn't as a result of OM but rather being just a vision or a ghost or something. Which, from what I recall, is still pretty farfetched for the Dune universe.

But yeah, that doesn't make it any less bullshit in Hunters or Sandworms :lol: and that Alia garbage.


A ghost from the netherworld of the Force!

Now we have to wait for Yoda :wink:
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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 02 Sep 2008 11:58

SandChigger wrote:I'm still in shock....


What the FUCK?I thought that was a joke chapter that you'd altered! That SHIT is actually in this fucking book? This is fucking unbelievable. Fuck. Whole new level of angry here.
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Postby TheDukester » 02 Sep 2008 12:06

"What can I do?!" he implored of the night.

Worst writer ever (I don't even count what's-his-name any longer ... you know: the Idiot Son).

Seriously, I'm not even kidding. That shit posted above would be bad even for fanfic. By a 12-year-old.

Absolutely fucking terrible. The shame you must feel for selling out to a complete hack, HLP. The utter fucking shame.
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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 02 Sep 2008 12:25

A Thing of Eternity wrote:
SandChigger wrote:I'm still in shock....


What the FUCK?I thought that was a joke chapter that you'd altered! That SHIT is actually in this fucking book? This is fucking unbelievable. Fuck. Whole new level of angry here.


Seriously, when is someone going to tell me I missed thebig joke and that was a spoof chapter? Helloooo? Fuck, this isn't funny.
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Postby Ampoliros » 02 Sep 2008 12:40

What the fuck do they care, it ALL about the money.

In some ways it being Serena is worse. With Norma at least there is a "logical" reason in their universe for Norma to show up. Serena has no such excuse.

I literally think KJA wrote this book just to piss on the OH. "Look what I can do" I'd hate to think this was him actually "pulling out all the stops". Its more like "jerking off every fanboy dick in the room." "OH OH OH SEREEEEEENA!"
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Postby GamePlayer » 02 Sep 2008 12:54

Ampoliros wrote:What the fuck do they care, it ALL about the money.


You just gave me an idea! Oh, this is gonna be good. I hope my PS skills are up to the task, because this is going to be a hoot! :)
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Postby Serkanner » 02 Sep 2008 13:37

I am almost lost for words. I too assumed it was a joke at first, but the joke is on us. I have never ever read anything as bad as this chapter. What an utter crap.
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Postby GamePlayer » 02 Sep 2008 14:10

Never mind that. We haven’t much time this time.


Comedy gold :)
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Re: Scan finished!

Postby Ampoliros » 02 Sep 2008 15:57

SandChigger wrote:10,197 AG

Four Years After the Fall of Shaddam IV

So many lives within me, so many voices! A lifetime would not suffice to listen to them all!
—Paul-Muad’Dib Atreides, Meditations of an Emperor

Since when Is Paul pre-born. IIRC there should be no reason for the OM to cause this assult on someone who awakens OM after they have secured their own personality. Otherwise every single RM in the universe would be bat-shit insane. Maybe this is another dig at Brian's mental instabilities. Either way its WRONG and if this is a pillar on which the book is written then Kevin Fails. Again. "Meditations of an Emperor" :laughing: :laughing:


Night had come to Arrakeen, replacing the searing bedlam and broiling clamor of the day with something of the cool silent serenity of the deep desert.


4 Years after the Jihad and already we've switched day and night cycles. Pretty sure nighttime doesn't stop the space traffic either. It sure doesn't stop air traffic here in the modern era. Oh crap I forgot! DON'T MENTION PLANES AROUND BRIAN. Oh wait we're okay, cause Brian was no where around any of this 'writting'.

And yet Paul could not sleep.
I imagine this is what KJA tells others a Talifan rant is instead of us pointing out major thematic inconsistancies: "Paul could not sleep" Er duh, but he's still at least 17.01% human regardless of being the universe's super being. Of course he can sleep. Duh, you 'TARD huhuhuhuhuh"


He lay awake on the luxurious bedding beside his beloved Chani and waited until her soft, measured breathing told him she was asleep, and then he arose and quietly wrapped himself in a light robe of fine Terrinian broccato before stepping out onto the wide balcony adjoining their bedroom. He signaled for the guard at the far end of the balcony to leave and watched as the man disappeared into a secret passage behind a cleverly concealed door.

At last the Emperor of the Known Universe (There will be Robots) was alone and stood gazing down upon the sleeping form of the city he had made his capital. How different the face it presented now from that which sweated in the dust and heat of the midday sun. Arrakeen of Dune . . . the name itself was enough to make the hearts of devoted converts leap within their breasts (Fanboys love it when you mention titties) across the Imperium. The daytime streets of the city were choked to impassibility with the pilgrims who flocked to Arrakis, millions every year, overflowing from the shuttles which travelled (misspelled, you SC? I hope so.) back and forth all day between the Guild Heighliners in orbit and the growing spaceport on the outskirts of the city. From this vantage point he could see the lights of the landing fields, greatly expanded over the last couple of years to handle the increased volume of traffic.

Paul looked up at the almost unflickering stars and thought of the worlds that circled them, planets from which so many pilgrims came to worship him. And he thought about how many of those worlds were even now the scene of bloody battles in his name. He wanted to close his eyes but knew that doing so would only bring dreams . . . that would give way to the frightening visions that haunted his soul. And also bring the voices. . . .
<cough> BULLSHIT <cough><cough> Hey! He got the right amount of dots in an ellipsis. Sorry Byron you were right they did 'improve their writing'.

The Jihad progressed, his fanatical holy warriors spreading ever further afield, bringing destruction to many of the star systems in their path. Paul was wracked with guilt over what he had unleashed on the universe, but still could see no way to rein in the bloodthirsty hordes of his followers. Every solution he imagined led only to even bloodier visions of the future. He was near to despair, made worse by the certain knowledge that his own suicide or death would only intensify the horrors still to come.


Orly, what ever happened to Terrible Purpose? I guess Paul hasn't seen yet why he has to let Leto have his 'Golden Path'. Repetition, again. I wonder if we extract this paragraph from the book, every time it is reiterated, how many pages will the book lose.

“What can I do?!” he implored of the night.

“Perhaps you need counsel other than your own.”

The woman’s voice had come from the far end of the balcony, in the shadows that hid the door to the passage the guard had used. Had some spy or assassin managed to invade his sanctum? A Reverend Mother of the hated Bene Gesserit?


I don't remember Paul hating the Bene Gesserit. Sure he kept them pacified and they were untrusted, but hated? But i think we are missing another important point.

PAUL IS FUCKING PRECIENT. HE WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHO IT FUCKING IS. Unless its someone else who is Prescient. In which case he'd know it was a Navigator. No Kevin, Navigators can't fly. Or fold space.

He strained but could see no one there. Then, slowly, as if coalescing from the darkness itself, a figure moved slowly towards him.


Frank uses the same term, 'coalescing' to Describe the Baron's apperance to Alia. Obviously Serena (oh no i spoiled it) is in his OM. I'm sure Piece of Dung will involve an 'exciting' possession trial of Muad'dib. If Serena possesses Paul the same way the Baron possess Alia I renew my call to buy the book and burn it publicly.

“Who are you?!” (BATMAN!)he challenged, but the woman said nothing and continued to approach. Something about the figure reminded him of the stately, green-eyed beauty he called mother—Jessica. But no, she was on Caladan and he had not seen her since he had returned there with her for a visit three years before. Finally the woman came to a place where her face was lit by the lights of the city below and she stopped. Although by no means old, the face he saw was lined with care. Paul thought to himself that she had probably possessed a classical beauty when younger. Her hair was brown but streaked with gray, and her eyes were piercing. She looked familiar, but he didn’t recognize her.

“My name is the least important of the things that I can tell you,” she said. “I can teach you of the art of jihad, which you desperately need to learn!”

“Who are you?!”

“Never mind that. We haven’t much time this time. You fret and worry that your army is but a horde of fanatics..."

I don't know maybe they are busy you dumb bitch, you know, ON A JIHAD.
"...yet seem to forget that a force of fighting fanatics is able to overcome any number of enemy soldiers and weapons!”


MAYBE YOU HAVEN"T NOTICED MY WARRIORS ARE KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES ON THEIR FUCKING JIHAD

“I worry because I have seen the future. I disturbed and awed. The masses-”


Whine, cheese please!

“And I have lived the past. To guide, to manipulate the masses who flock to your banner is the only way to defend what must be preserved. To oppose them is to become a rock on the beach, broken and worn away by the tide.”

“Who ARE you?!” Paul cried, growing exasperated.


Thank you for the cheese!

“Have you not figured it out by now? I am Serena Butler, the mother of all jihads.”


I'M BATMAN! But seriously, shouldn't this sentence end with an exclamation point? No, wait it should never have existed to start with.

The only entertaining thing i find in these novels is ripping them apart. The fact that it is this easy with my knowledge of Dune that is just in my head is incredibly sad. Rest In Peace Frank, your legacy is held safe in the hands of the ORTHODOX HERBERTIANS.
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Postby Omphalos » 02 Sep 2008 16:12

Waidaminut!

The woman’s voice had come from the far end of the balcony, in the shadows that hid the door to the passage the guard had used. Had some spy or assassin managed to invade his sanctum? A Reverend Mother of the hated Bene Gesserit?

He strained but could see no one there. Then, slowly, as if coalescing from the darkness itself, a figure moved slowly towards him.

* * * * *

Finally the woman came to a place where her face was lit by the lights of the city below and she stopped.



I hate to make this worse than it already is, but this Serena is not in OM. She is walking around on the roofs of Arrakeen. It is the actual Serena here. What a pile of shit this is. Is she gonna be another superhero? Perhaps a modified minion of Norma?

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Postby TheDukester » 02 Sep 2008 16:18

This horrid fanfic actually serves one good purpose: it makes me want to re-read Dune again.

Not Dune 4, or Dune IX, or Dune 27-B, or whatever Byron and his lickspittle lackeys want to call it. I mean DUNE. The one by Frank Herbert. The goddamn masterpiece.
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Postby Ampoliros » 02 Sep 2008 16:36

Omphalos wrote:Waidaminut!

The woman’s voice had come from the far end of the balcony, in the shadows that hid the door to the passage the guard had used. Had some spy or assassin managed to invade his sanctum? A Reverend Mother of the hated Bene Gesserit?

He strained but could see no one there. Then, slowly, as if coalescing from the darkness itself, a figure moved slowly towards him.

* * * * *

Finally the woman came to a place where her face was lit by the lights of the city below and she stopped.



I hate to make this worse than it already is, but this Serena is not in OM. She is walking around on the roofs of Arrakeen. It is the actual Serena here. What a pile of shit this is. Is she gonna be another superhero? Perhaps a modified minion of Norma?


Sweet! I hope Hancock shows up! so this is how they bagged an awesome director like Berg!






:roll:
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Postby Seraphan » 02 Sep 2008 18:15

TheDukester wrote:This horrid fanfic actually serves one good purpose: it makes me want to re-read Dune again.

Not Dune 4, or Dune IX, or Dune 27-B, or whatever Byron and his lickspittle lackeys want to call it. I mean DUNE. The one by Frank Herbert. The goddamn masterpiece.

That's the same feeling that i'm having. Dune Messiah here i come! Also i'll try and update the Milking of Dune anytime soon, all this shit that's been raining is giving me ideas :twisted: . I've spent too much time around this bullshit that i've been neglecting the original works, shame on me :oops:
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Postby Tyrant » 02 Sep 2008 19:03

umm...belated april fools???...please....please god!!!!! :x :x :x
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