Explaining the prequels

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Lundse
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Explaining the prequels

Postby Lundse » 18 Sep 2008 16:39

How to explain the tragedy that is Brian Herbert's rape of his father's literary estate to people who do not know Dune? By analogy of course.

Entries must be proper works of art (literature, movies with actual points to them, etc.)

I'll go first, expanding my previous Lord of the Rings-analogy.

-

If Christopher Tolkien had the same moral fiber as Brian Herbert and the rest of the HLP, and 'new books came out':


Imagine being told that the forging of the ring was really not a plan of Saurons, he just helped - and it was really for the good, because it was needed to defeat these mega-spiders which were somehow related to Shelob (in a way inconsistent with what we learn in the Silmarillion). Gandalf is there, and fails to recognize the ring of power, despite far more obvious hints than he gets in LoTR.
Meanwhile, a hobbit named Norma becomes a valar because she dies horribly due to a spider-bite, returns comes to Middle Earth and walks around a bit, inventing everything interesting you ever hear of in LoTR.

Roughly a thousand pages are then published on the forebears of Bilbo, Aragorn, Gimli, et al. - most of whom meet each other at some point and eventually defeat the giant spiders again, in a scene having no thematic content or continuity with the Tolkien books. You are told to believe this was never written down, and forgotten by Gandalf, who was obviously there too.

Then, you are told that after the ring was dropped in the fire of mount doom, Gandalf reforged it as a really, über-powerful ring, which was not bad at all because now Sauron was gone. And they use this ring to battle the Balrog/spider fire-arachnid hybrids (which had been breeding underground with anyone knowing about it), enlisting the help of every single character known from the books - bringing them back from across the sea if need be. And the evil spider-queen is defeated by the aforementioned hobbit/valar with the flick of a sword and then everyone goes to the sunlit lands and lives forever with her misunderstood spider-children whom Legolas adopts.

And finally, horribly written stories come out about how Gandalf arrived in Middle Earth and Saruman went bad (which contradict LoTR). Then one on Aragorn and Arwen falling in love (with explicit sex scenes). And one on Bilbo's dealings in the shire, adopting Frodo, etc.

With no bloody end in sight!

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A Thing of Eternity
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Postby A Thing of Eternity » 18 Sep 2008 16:53

Sounds about right.
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Freakzilla
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Postby Freakzilla » 18 Sep 2008 17:03

It would be more accurate if you had Dan Brown doing the "writing" and Chris Tolkien just put his name on it to lend credibility.
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Postby Hunchback Jack » 18 Sep 2008 17:11

:) :) :)

What I like about those summaries is that not only are they logically absurd with respect to the events of LotR, they completely miss the thematic points of LotR.

HBJ

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on anaolgies

Postby Sole Man » 18 Sep 2008 19:35

Does STAR WARS count?
Even if it doesn't, I'm doin' one anyway.

Okay...Wait a minute, this has already been done hasn't it?

I'll do one for the GODFATHER

Okay (We're assuming part II&III Never happened, neither did the other two books by that jackass)

Imgaine that Micheal was actualy not Moma Cokreonea's son, and is actually a product of Vito raping some poor woman for seemingly no reason whatsoever. And becuase of this, Fredo becomes the next Godfather, and Micheal and Kay go off and live happily ever after until thier son is killed by a comptetly unrelated street gang for no real reason, but that cuases Kay to go insane and kill herself and Micheal kills Fredo becuase he had painful bowl movements for no reason. And then Vito turns out to be alive, and just hiding out in a village somewhere, but everyone completely knows this so Micheal visits him, and asks his adivce, and Vito luaghs in his face about how stupid every thing's gotten. Then he gets up and walks around and farts a little and slaps his face a couple of times. Then he gets high on pot becuase he actually loves drugs, and insists Micheal do the same. Micheal does, and gets addicted and is eventually admitted to a Rehabitation hospital, where he spends the rest of his days having nightmares about Luca Brasi.
Then, the rest of the families in ew York slowly take over the world, and run things as a power behind the throne, and become the Illuminati talked about in Robert Shea's and Robert Anton Wilson's trilogy.

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Postby Ampoliros » 18 Sep 2008 20:07

Don't forget that Frodo can cast spells as a 12th level Wizard now. And that it turns out that Boromir wasn't that badly hurt and he rides up on his new horse and he really was only going to borrow the ring and then give it back. He rides into the forests of Mordor and kills a huge army of orcs with the native pygmies that look like little teddy bears called Ewooks.
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Postby SandChigger » 18 Sep 2008 22:56

Wait...who can cast spells, Frodo or Fredo? My train of thought jumped the tracks when it hit the turd of "Moma Cokreonea" and I got confused.

:lol:

(Sloey, I think it was properly Corleone. :roll: It's about time for a slapdown, isn't it? :twisted: )
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re:

Postby cmsahe » 18 Sep 2008 23:31

SandChigger wrote:Wait...who can cast spells, Frodo or Fredo? My train of thought jumped the tracks when it hit the turd of "Moma Cokreonea" and I got confused.

:lol:

(Sloey, I think it was properly Corleone. :roll: It's about time for a slapdown, isn't it? :twisted: )


Fredo of course, while dancing Salsa at the Copacabana in La Habana, perhaps we should e-mail this outline to KJA and if he gets interested he might leave Dune alone at last!
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Ampoliros
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Postby Ampoliros » 18 Sep 2008 23:51

I've always felt like the world could use a a good "Godfather" "Lord of the Rings" crossover.
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Lundse
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Postby Lundse » 19 Sep 2008 03:30

Ampoliros wrote:I've always felt like the world could use a a good "Godfather" "Lord of the Rings" crossover.


And KJA is just the person to do that idea justice!

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Re: Explaining the prequels

Postby The Sons of Idaho » 19 Sep 2008 17:14

Lundse wrote:And one on Bilbo's dealings in the shire, adopting Frodo, etc.



You forgot about Bilbo admiring Frodo's ass
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Re: Explaining the prequels

Postby Rakis » 19 Sep 2008 22:11

The Sons of Idaho wrote:
Lundse wrote:And one on Bilbo's dealings in the shire, adopting Frodo, etc.



You forgot about Bilbo admiring Frodo's ass



" My Preciouuuussssss" :lol:
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Postby SandChigger » 19 Sep 2008 22:19

:lol:

Ooh, thar's a pretty!

:shock:
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Re: Explaining the prequels

Postby Mr. Teg » 19 Sep 2008 22:35

Rakis wrote:
The Sons of Idaho wrote:
Lundse wrote:And one on Bilbo's dealings in the shire, adopting Frodo, etc.



You forgot about Bilbo admiring Frodo's ass



" My Preciouuuussssss" :lol:


:lol:
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