from Sand Rider <email@example.com>
date Mon, Oct 11, 2010 at 3:45 AM
subject Re: I TOO AM WAITING ALSO FOR YOUR URGENT CALL AND REPLY.
Having safely reached port at Lagos, Nigeria, on the 18th of the last month being September,
how disappointed was I to receive from my Mossi Brother in Burkina an awaiting message
to state that he had traveled at Ouagadougou in only three days, killing two camels and his
youngest nephew in the frantic attempt to reach you and conduct the business on my behalf
of which you had suggested, only to find that you, in the statement of fact, are not employed
with connection to the Bank of Africa, as you had indicated to myself in your last correspondence.
I had only time to rely message to my Mossi Brother the instruction to liquidate the stock
certificates at any rate possible (which of course resulted in an unfavourable exchange of
rate, to be equaling to centimes on the franc) and to take this capital stake and employ
it in the occupation of locating your person (after purchasing for himself atleast one new
camel, for which the tragically senseless death of the others I take most blame in, being
insistent as I was that he arrive to your office door at the utmost timeliness) before the Call
of Duty was sounded and I set sail for Port Harcourt to deal harshly with partisan terrorists
who had assumed occupation of oil refining equipment and personages under the ownership
of the Haliburton.
I will not bore you with details of this excursion, except to say that it resulted in a lengthy
campaign and a running battle up the River as far as to be into the Kogi province, before
a fortuitous result was obtained with the assistance of the Inc. Blackwater, and a miraculous
device of the United State Americans called the "predator drone". It was then that the scalping
of the partisan terrorists, the removal of their ankle-bones and the drying of their tongues for
Victory Souvenirs was to entail another few days, and then it was a fortnight before we were
able to track down and impale the criminals' wives and parents, cripple their sons, and sever
the noses of their daughters before turning them over to Cameroonian Guard for shipment
to Chad as training aids for their Army's Rape Programme.
So it was that I have only now arrived to Liberia, at Monrovia anchor, and have to access
of my inbox, only to find a message from my Mossi Brother in Ouagadougou that you
are not only unemployed from the Bank of Africa, you are not even believed to be in
Burkina Faso at all, but that the government has ordered a death sentence upon your
head in connection with fraud and tax evasion !
Oh, my friend Alain, how sad for you ! How sad for your wife, Tusembe, whom you
thoughtless left behind in Ouagadougou, who is now as I write this correspondence to
you pulling my Mossi Brother's cart back to Bobo-Dioulasso because he could only
purchase one camel after giving so many francs to the government official who informed
him of your status and the address of your wife and children, your parents, and your
wife's parents, and your wife's cousin, Jorge, who used to work at the glue factory
but had an unfortunate accident after his legs were cut off at the knees and he toppled
over into a vat of boiling adhesive ....
And now also I receive a communique from my Mossi Brother in Toulouse, who has the
good employment with FranceTelecom, that the email address you have used to contact
and solicit my involvement in your business adventure is housed on FranceTelecom
server in Cornebarrieu, and that the IP of computer used to retrieved messages from this
account resolves to the Library Publique of Aussonne.
Luckily then, Aussone is but 13 or so kilometres from my Mossi Brother's home in Saint
Cyprien district. It is my heartfelt suggestions, dear countryman, that you would meet
with willingness my Mossi Brother at the Cafe La Crémaillère, which location is 253
Avenue de la Republique (I assume you know of this establishment, it is adjacent to the
restaurant Pizza Way, near to the Pharmacie Sarthe - you can't miss it) in two days
time at 12 noon. Please to have in your possession the nine million four hundred thousand
US dollars of which you have spoken, or as much capital as you have in your possession or
can acquire before the prescribed date and time.
I have just now received my relief orders, and will be boarding a flight to Ouagadougou within
the hour; upon my landing, I will proceed to the location at which a cadre of my Mossi Brothers
have secure the personages of your parents, the husband of this coupling I will upon instant
decapitate and his ankle-bones will be removed. If at the before said time, I do not receive
from my Mossi Brother in France a message telling that your personage is within his sight,
the cadre of my Mossi Brothers will skull-fuck your mother until her brain matters are pushed
from her ear canals and onto the floor, after which I will personally scoop them up with a spoon
and eat them.
If you do not appear at the appointed place and time, my Mossi Brother has instructions
to locate you, remove your tongue, place you into a DHL container and ship you express
to Ouagadougou, where I waiting will be.
Oh, dear Sir, my dear countryman Alain Madhy, I do pray that you will keep to this
terms and meet my Mossi Brother, whether or not you have anything close to actual,
viable currency in your possession or not. I would be most satisfied with the money,
or the blood of your family, and of your home village and their livestock, washing over
my hands like the holy water of the River Niger ... it really makes no difference to me;
six of one, a dozen-half of the other ...
yr obt svt.
Captain Torus McCardigan
IAFV Sankara; (TDY)
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