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Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 09:24
by Laphtiya
Way back in September of last year I posted a second draft of a mini story I was working on, then due to moving out, decorating, finding a new job, moving out again and decorating again I've not had time to continue with it. However now that I am working on writing my own book I find it hard to let nothing come of this story, so what I've decided to do was use the mini story as a means to help develop my writing style. Over the weekend I've gone through the draft, making changes to the story and format, cutting and adding parts here and there from feedback I've received. I would appreciate any feedback on the style of writing, does it flow or is it just a series of broken bits and pieces stuck together? What in your opinion would make it better? And for a bit of fun if you want to suggest what you think should happen next in the story (apart from the obvious sandworm killing KJA) let me know and I'll write it into the story, I can't see why we couldn't have our own little mini saga going on here.

Anyway I'd be more than appreciative of any feedback you have (Do try to be gentle :lol: :lol: )

http://www.andrewarmstrong.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Docs/DuneMinistorydraft3.doc

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 09:55
by SandChigger
Shutting down for the night over here, so just had a quick glance so far. First off, ditch "Tio". FH never revealed the first name and I'd be fucked with his headstone before I'd take the word of The Hacks Twain on any detail. (Actually, I'd rethink the whole epigraph, but that's just me. :) )

Also, um, remember that spellchecking doesn't check words for context. (So, if human you can bare your soul or your butt, but if a tree you only bear fruit. ;) )

More tomorrow after a full read....

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 10:42
by Laphtiya
SandChigger wrote:Shutting down for the night over here, so just had a quick glance so far. First off, ditch "Tio". FH never revealed the first name and I'd be fucked with his headstone before I'd take the word of The Hacks Twain on any detail. (Actually, I'd rethink the whole epigraph, but that's just me. :) )

Also, um, remember that spellchecking doesn't check words for context. (So, if human you can bare your soul or your butt, but if a tree you only bear fruit. ;) )

More tomorrow after a full read....


Haha okay no problem I'll ditch that now, that opening statement was an actual quote from a scientist (i forget the name) talking about folding space I kind of liked it so I threw it in there. Updated the link, I know what you're saying about word context thanks for pointing that out to me. It is something I am weak at, when I am in the flow of something and re-read it over and over I tend to miss the mistakes. I recall during a programming course at university I couldn't understand why this java script wasn't working it took over half an hour before I asked a friend for help, he simply glanced at it and pointed out I used a , instead of a . :roll:

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 11:06
by DuneFishUK
Re: Holtzman - especially if it's not a an "actual" Holtzman quote, maybe have it "Attributed to Holtzman". FH was always proper sketchy about anything to do with Holtzman/Holtzmann/Holzmann... IMO it would make sense to stick with that.

:)


lol, yeah, and check spellings/context :P

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 11:41
by Freakzilla
Laphtiya wrote:I recall during a programming course at university I couldn't understand why this java script wasn't working it took over half an hour before I asked a friend for help, he simply glanced at it and pointed out I used a , instead of a . :roll:


Peer review is an invaluable proofreading tool. I can pour over sheets and sheets of fire alarm drawings over and over and not see a mistake but it can take a coworker and instant to find one. It's dificult to see your own mistakes.

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 11:44
by Serkanner
Freakzilla wrote: It's dificult to see your own mistakes.


Not another topic about the Hack please!!

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 13:55
by Laphtiya
Serkanner wrote:
Freakzilla wrote: It's dificult to see your own mistakes.


Not another topic about the Hack please!!


:lol: :lol: Nice one, but Freakzilla's quote suggests that they check for mistakes.

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 18:25
by SandChigger
When you work on something a lot, you get an idea in your head about what you think the text says, so even when you're proofing you don't see the mistakes. That's why I always tell my writing students to let things lie and get cold a day or two, or at the very least to read or work on something else for a few hours and then come back to it.

Another thing I personally do is have my Mac read the text back to me. You can catch some things that way ... like desert vs dessert. ;)

(That reminded me that I tried reading Doon again while home. I laughed at a few things, but I still believe the Bored of the Rings parody is funnier. ;) )

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 22:23
by Slugger
SandChigger wrote:That's why I always tell my writing students to let things lie and get cold a day or two, or at the very least to read or work on something else for a few hours and then come back to it.

What's your background, SandChigger? College, high school?

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 22:46
by SandChigger
Ach, it's me foreground that's most inneresting these days. ;)

I'm teaching Japanese university students, mostly undergrad but I also do a grad speaking & writing class each. :)

(Looks like the freshman comp class is going to be half the size it has been the last few years. [Actually the size it's supposed to be under the stipulations of the new English program :evil: ] Yea! :dance: )

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 04 Oct 2009 23:01
by Slugger
SandChigger wrote:Ach, it's me foreground that's most inneresting these days. ;) )


Gotcha. By background I was wondering if you had a degree. It's in Eng. Lit?

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 05 Oct 2009 02:54
by SandChigger
Nope. Linguistics. :)

And dat's why I'm da Grammar Nazi! :Adolf:

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 05 Oct 2009 04:54
by inhuien
Aha, I was wondering how I slipped under your Radar :)

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 05 Oct 2009 07:33
by Laphtiya
SandChigger wrote:
Another thing I personally do is have my Mac read the text back to me. You can catch some things that way ... like desert vs dessert. ;)



I've never thought of doing this, there is a spare mac laptop assigned to me at the college I work at. Being a member of ICT I could "borrow" it and use this facility, except I don't know how. Care to share the knowledge?

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 05 Oct 2009 13:02
by SandChigger
Not at all! :)

I don't use Word (anymore, period) so I don't know what the heck it does these days (this is a system feature, so it should apply but who knows with M$), but all Macs will by default have TextEdit in the Applications folder. Fire it up and copy-paste your text into a new file, place the cursor at the beginning and select Start Speaking under Speech in the Edit menu. That's basically it. :)

(Check the Speech pane to make sure it's turned on in the System Preferences if it doesn't work. It should be turned on by default, though.)

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 05 Oct 2009 16:31
by Slugger
SandChigger wrote:Nope. Linguistics. :)

And dat's why I'm da Grammar Nazi! :Adolf:


Well, that statement clarifies much. :D (No sarcasm. I've been thoroughly impressed by your breadth of knowledge concerning various languages.)

Re: Mini story 3rd draft

Posted: 06 Oct 2009 07:36
by Laphtiya
SandChigger wrote:Not at all! :)

I don't use Word (anymore, period) so I don't know what the heck it does these days (this is a system feature, so it should apply but who knows with M$), but all Macs will by default have TextEdit in the Applications folder. Fire it up and copy-paste your text into a new file, place the cursor at the beginning and select Start Speaking under Speech in the Edit menu. That's basically it. :)

(Check the Speech pane to make sure it's turned on in the System Preferences if it doesn't work. It should be turned on by default, though.)


Thanks I'll try that out tonight on the late shift at work.