Even SW fans hate KJA

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cmsahe
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Even SW fans hate KJA

Postby cmsahe » 08 Sep 2008 23:48

I have had archived this post to the alt.fan.starwars since february 2000, here a Steve critizices the poor writing of the KJA SW novels: (I've read a dozen SW novels and what it is written below is true:

Steve writes:

Just follow the outline below, pick appropriate options and you've got
your very own authentic EU (EU: Expanded UNiverse) novel.

1. 1 year after the battle of Endor
2. 5 years after the battle of Endor
3. 20 years after the battle of Endor
4. during tea at the battle of Endor

Rebel/New Republic forcers were surprised to discover.

1. An evil plot by the empire to capture (insert name of annoying
child of main character)
2. An army of droids with red eyes that move from side to side
3. Han wears a toupe
4. A main character had children who weren't twins

While seeking to find a solution to this surprising turn of events.

1. Leia
2. Han
3. Lando
4. Wedge's aun't Mabel

crashes on

1. Correlia
2. Kessel
3. Dagobah
4. Ork

and is attacked by

1. the spirit of a long dead Sith Lord
2. 10 metre long leaping orange sith sheep
3. flying purple people eaters
4. vicious knights who say 'ni'

Just when all seems hopeless

1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker saves the day
2. 5 year old jedi kid saves the day
3. A TIE shot down years ago and light years away at the Battle
of Yavin, still spinning out of control, crashes on the baddie
4. Someone remembers to use the force

It soon becomes apparent that the empire are planning to use a new
weapon that

1. Destroys planets
2. Destroys solar systems
3. Destroys mynocks
4. Ruffles Lando's hair

When the empire test their new weapon

1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker saves the day
2. It destroys a race of highly intelligent peaceful beings who
are noted for their singing and remarkable macrame skills
3. They forget to load it
4. Admiral Ackbar shows up and destroys their entire fleet with
his b-wing and a rather large docking claw

During the brief peace that follows, Lando

1. wins coruscant in a game of tiddliwinks and then loses it
betting on blob races
2. wins the falcon again in a game of sabacc with Han and then
gives it back in return for a snappy new cape.
3. wins some credits, buys some flowers and then offers them to
Mara Jade who promptly plants them where the sun don't shine
4. wins some credibility and friends (on second thought - that's
a bit too far fetched)

While

1. on a diplomatic mission to bring peace to two warring worlds
who threaten the peace of the entire new republic
2. on a holiday
3. doing a bit of spring cleaning
4. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker is saving the day

(insert name of one of the few characters in the entire galaxy who
anything interesting actually happens to) just happens to be in the
right place at the right time to

1. foil an imperial plot
2. witness a marvel of nature that only happens every 2836485
years
3. discovers a secret imperial installation hidden years ago by
the emperor
4. help Jedi Master Luke Skywalker save the day

This leads them to the conclusion that

1. the empire is almost beaten
2. the emeror has returned as a clone (again!!!)
3. the waterboy is the grandson of the great jedi mrgump erflishp
and has the potential to top the class at Jedi Master Luke Skywalker's
academy
4. wookies that have just eaten green eggs and nerf have bad
breath

In the exiting climax to the story

1. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets beaten up by ysalamiri draped
nerf herders and then saves the day
2. the bad guy is betrayed by his most trusted ally and retires,
quite upset, to a life of solitude in the bfashrishrit force monastery
on the remote planet of Barff
3. Bobba Fett appears, looks tough, get's his butt kicked and
appears to die (until fans miss him enough to drag him out for another
story)
4. Lobot is revealed to be a Borg operative (oops - wrong world
there)


There you have it. It's a proven formula. It's true. People buy this
stuff.

<disclaimer>I actually do like Star Wars a lot and I like some of the
novels but I do find some of them a bit hard to swallow. See follow up
post</disclaimer>
----------
Only the books written by Frank Herbert are canon.


Who We Are and What We Stand For
http://www.jacurutu.com/viewtopic.php?p=79778#p79778
----
Carlos Santillan, aka cmsahe

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SandChigger
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Postby SandChigger » 09 Sep 2008 00:11

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I have heard of only one mistake that doesn’t have an explanation for a careful reader...with an open mind. (And, no, I’m not going to tell you what it is!) —KJA

I don't like every writer's style; for instance, I have never been able to get through Ursula LeGuin, China Mieville, or Iain Banks, all of whom are critical darlings. —KJA

I...had written a bunch of Star Wars and X-Files books...that proved not just that I'm a hack, but that I could write in somebody else's universe... —KJA

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cmsahe
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re:

Postby cmsahe » 09 Sep 2008 01:28

Only the books written by Frank Herbert are canon.


Who We Are and What We Stand For
http://www.jacurutu.com/viewtopic.php?p=79778#p79778
----
Carlos Santillan, aka cmsahe

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GamePlayer
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Postby GamePlayer » 09 Sep 2008 13:00

It's just fan fiction. That's all KJA writes. The fact that the KJA/BH novels are officially published fan fiction is the only difference, and that counts for nothing in my book.
"They can chew you up, but they gotta spit you out."


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