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Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 17 Jul 2010 12:10
by Talos Aquinas
Chani's Thoughts:

‘That fool! It’s a wonder he hasn’t lost his water already.’ Chani thought for the hundredth time, as she watched Jamis arguing with her uncle yet again. Why Stilgar continued to put up with him she still had yet to figure out. True, he could be useful in a fight but his hot headiness more-than-often clouded his judgment to the point were he was dangerous, not only to himself but other around him.

Jamis had gotten into another fight over some silly make believe offense. And if she were honest with herself, Chani had to admit that she had been pleased when Awsik had gotten the best of Jamis. But she knew this would not be the last of it, there would be another fight on another day. Jamis would demand a rematch. He just couldn’t let something go. At least most of the altercations Jamis got into were mere scuffles and not a Tahaddi. The tribe lost enough members without needless Tahaddi challenges.

Chani returned her focus back to her work, preparing the evening meal. Her father was due home anytime now and she was looking forward to seeing him. So rarely did he seem to have the time to spend at the sietch lately and although she understood the reasoning that didn’t mean that she liked it. Even though her uncle took very good care of her and she loved him as a second father, there was something special about the times she got to spend with her own father. Even when those times could be far between she cherished each one.

Chani covered the finished meal and rose. Making sure her stillsuit was secured she went outside. Standing in the opening with the door seals closed tight behind her, she raised her face to the night sky. First moon had already risen and Chani watched as the stars flickered into view one by one. The night held its own mysteries, but mysteries that could be discovered by trained eyes.

Chani turned her gaze from the sky to the open desert beyond her beloved Sietch Tabr. She tried to envision the world her grandfather had talked about, the world her very father was making the preparations for, but it could be difficult at times. Would it ever come to pass? She knew she would never live to see it, but would all their hard work and careful planning finally payoff for some future generation? Would the Misr survive to see open water on Dune or would the hated Harkonnen manage to wipeout the Freman before the fulfillment of the plan?

‘No! We will survive.’ Chani reminded herself. We are a strong race and we will survive. Others have sought to destroy us and we are still here. The Harkonnen will fail as will whomever the Emperor sends next. With one last look out to the beautiful and deadly desert Chani turned and entered the sietch for the night. Far in the distant sands, a rider was driving a worm homeward.

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 15:49
by inhuien
I enjoyed that Eyes, the only feedback I feel comfortable, or should I say able, to offer is that sometime you tended to use 3 words when one would do. Also, Misr, does that term have a canonical use?

Bravo, well done. :D

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 20:52
by SandChigger
FH in Terminology of the Imperium wrote:MISR: the historical Zensunni(Fremen) term for themselves: "The People."

:cylon101:

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 21:36
by A Thing of Eternity
That was one of the things that jumped out at me with this one, was that it really seemed like the author had sat down with similar sections from Dune and read what kind of words FH would use and when. It was definitely clear that terminology had been well researched, but I think that it seemed to go beyond just researching the words and tossing them in, they seemed appropriate when used.

I don't have a ton in my notes for this one. I do have written that it could have used more revision, as there were some gramatical errors that were distracting (of course, I think that goes for most of these entries, it's pretty much a given there will be those kinds of errors in a fan fic contest!).

I said over in the Judges conversation at T(A)U that this one would have probably been 4th place for me if there were such a thing (or is that 5th since I tied 2 entries for 3rd????)

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 22:02
by Hunchback Jack
Eyes,

I enjoyed this story very much. I like your writing style - I could picture the scene very clearly, was drawn into it easily, and almost forgot I was reading. You inclusion of Dune elements into the story - the stillsuit, the door seals, the "first" moon - were seamless and natural. I loved the last sentence, too.

If there was one thing that I thought could be improved, it was that the two halves of the story - Chani's reaction to Jamis and the thoughts of her father and the future - were almost completely separate. Maybe this is a guy thing, but it would have been interesting to have the two events connected in some way. Perhaps to have a contrast between Jamis' reckless passions and her father's more channeled ones, or to have the subject of Jamis' argument with Stilgar have some bearing on her thoughts and fears for the Sietch's future.

Anyway, great story. And far better than I could have done, needless to say.

HBJ

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 22:17
by Eyes High
inhuien wrote:I enjoyed that Eyes, the only feedback I feel comfortable, or should I say able, to offer is that sometime you tended to use 3 words when one would do. Also, Misr, does that term have a canonical use?

Bravo, well done. :D


Thanks. I appreciate all constructive criticism. And as Chig has already pointed out, that word is indeed canon. I tried very hard to use Freman terminology correctly, I hope I succeeded.

I guess I do have a tendency to use too many words, I just want the reader to be able to 'feel' the emotions that drive the character .... and please tell me that didn't sound as lame as it does to me now. (Not the story, the response ) :oops:


Thanks HBJ! I was just getting ready to post my reply to Inh, when the board showed me your comment. That is a good idea. I think my thought at the time was just showing the chaotic thinking that can go on in the human mind and to allow her an escape, so to speak, so that she could go and gather her thoughts

Re: Contest Entry #1 (Eyes High)

PostPosted: 18 Oct 2010 22:29
by A Thing of Eternity
Eyes High wrote:I guess I do have a tendency to use too many words, I just want the reader to be able to 'feel' the emotions that drive the character .... and please tell me that didn't sound as lame as it does to me now. (Not the story, the response ) :oops:


No, not lame at all! As you'll see in my comments for entry #6, revision in order to shorten things as much as possible is HUGE in my opinion - buuuuuuut, that said - sometimes you do obviously need to get more poetic and explain things with more words than is "necessary".

The tricky thing is figuring out when you can hack and slash to make it a faster read, and when it needs to be flowery. Very very tough to do.