Humor

    Non-dune discussion

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 03 Jan 2011 10:11

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago .

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your Mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.' 'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you.’
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Tleszer
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Re: Humor

Postby Tleszer » 03 Jan 2011 10:53

:laughing: :clap:

Ah, who doesn't like a good airplane joke! :shifty:
DUNE, as interpreted by a blue man with a green tushie

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 09 Feb 2011 14:41

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied

Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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DuneFishUK
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Re: Humor

Postby DuneFishUK » 09 Feb 2011 16:16

Why did the baker have brown hands?



Because he kneaded a poo...

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SandChigger
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Re: Humor

Postby SandChigger » 09 Feb 2011 17:38

:shock:

Eeeew. :lol:

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 15 Feb 2011 10:45

My wife and I went to the Great Yarmouth agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW ~~ That's more than twice a week! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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A Thing of Eternity
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Re: Humor

Postby A Thing of Eternity » 15 Feb 2011 18:04

:shock:















:lol:
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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 20 Feb 2011 12:59

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

...

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the New Year!


Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a

nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure

for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,

and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,

"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,

took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately,

he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,

and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end

our sentences with a preposition, because we

could end up with a dangling participle.
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 26 May 2011 10:06

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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inhuien
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Re: Humor

Postby inhuien » 27 May 2011 06:18

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?



Why it's the ultra sound guy ofcourse.
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Robspierre
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Re: Humor

Postby Robspierre » 27 May 2011 21:46

Freakzilla wrote:FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.



Unless those four collude to keep you under control ;)

Rob

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 07 Jun 2011 10:10

Image
Image
Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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SandChigger
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Re: Humor

Postby SandChigger » 07 Jun 2011 10:25

If the dumb bitch can't spell any better than that I'd run around on her, too.

(Of course, I'd never be stupid enough to get married in the first place. :roll: )

(Yeah, I went there.)

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 11 Jul 2011 10:01

From mom:

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk
about?""Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear
power?""OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a
cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it
and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." to which the little girl replies,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 11 Jul 2011 10:03

A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the
secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.'

The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?'


'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'


'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church.'


The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul
language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks
in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.'

'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 11 Jul 2011 10:05

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says,

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

:P
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 11 Jul 2011 10:09

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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JustSomeGuy
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Re: Humor

Postby JustSomeGuy » 11 Jul 2011 14:28

Freakzilla wrote:'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'


:lol: Thank you.
I bring nothing to the table.

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 11 Jul 2011 15:40

I exist only to serve. :)
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Lawliet
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Re: Humor

Postby Lawliet » 11 Jul 2011 16:19

SandChigger wrote:If the dumb bitch can't spell any better than that I'd run around on her, too.

(Of course, I'd never be stupid enough to get married in the first place. :roll: )

(Yeah, I went there.)

Image
Also...i can kill you with my brain. - River Tam

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D Pope
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Re: Humor

Postby D Pope » 31 Jul 2011 12:47

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And now the thought for the Day:
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."
-Albert Schweitzer
Leto II is gone for good, except for OM. The "pearl" was just that; a miniscule portion of what Leto was, and not a compressed version of the whole. The pearl that the worms have do not make them Leto, or in any way similar to him.
-Omphalos

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 08 Nov 2011 11:06

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
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Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

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Freakzilla
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Re: Humor

Postby Freakzilla » 09 Dec 2011 14:38

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken to me in over two months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer. Then, thoughtfully says, "You better think it over -- women like that are hard to find."
Image
Paul of Dune was so bad it gave me a seizure that dislocated both of my shoulders and prolapsed my anus.
~Pink Snowman

Crizius
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Re: Humor

Postby Crizius » 09 Dec 2011 16:18

What killed the dinosaurs?
The ice age!

Son ask's his dad:
-Dad, did Adam had mother-in-law (wife's mom?)
Dad answer's:
-Nooooooo.... He lived in a heaven.

Blonde says to a friend:
- Yesterday I deceived. a taxi driver.
- Well, how have you deceived him?
- Paid the money, but did not go.
Last edited by Crizius on 09 Dec 2011 16:38, edited 3 times in total.
I rarely post because most of the time I feel I have nothing to add

There is nothing to fear but fear itself for Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. Fear kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.

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A Thing of Eternity
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Re: Humor

Postby A Thing of Eternity » 09 Dec 2011 16:24

Crizius wrote:What killed the dinosaurs?
The ice age!


I'm lost... what's the joke?
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